Trying to understand: a sort of poem

I’m trying to understand why you’ll support everyone else but me.

I’m trying to comprehend how you can understood someone else’s pain over my own.

All I’ve ever wanted is for you to understand, it’s all I’ve ever needed.

I was nine years old when I first felt unworthy. That feeling only continued to grow.

I tried asking for help, tried telling you my pain but all you did was make me feel worse.

I tried telling you that I needed help, that I wanted to feel happy but all you did was tell me no.

I hurt myself, I hurt others.

I cried myself to sleep most nights.

And I was convinced that I was the problem.

I wasn’t.

Wanting help didn’t make me weak, it made me strong.

Those periods of depression I had, the symptoms of my anxiety that you labeled as “bipolar” or childish, the cuts on my skin that you claimed I had no reason to have.

You made me feel worse for coping with my pain when you wouldn’t get me the help I needed.

But when a a stranger or someoneĀ on the news shares their own struggles, you support them.

Where was your support for me? Where is it? Because here I am, twenty one years old still trying to find reasons to live.

Looks are all too deceiving.

I smile, I laugh, I joke, and I have an outgoing personality.

The surface is great when it hides what’s underneath.

What you don’t see?

My heart threatening to pound out of my chest, the thoughts going through my head that try to convince me of why I should give up, and the pain I feel over being misunderstood.

I’ve gotten the help I needed.

I’m better now than ever before.

And I love myself more often than not.

I did it without you when I should have had you along for the ride.

So, I’m trying to understand why you’ll support everyone else but me.

I’m trying to comprehend how you can understood someone else’s pain over my own.

Are you afraid to face the truth? Are you ashamed that you weren’t there when you should’ve been?

Whatever the reason. I forgive you.

I forgive you because I know now that you just didn’t know how.

Everything is so much easier when you’re not the one directly involved.

I understand.

At least I’m trying to.

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