Sometimes I forget how my mind works. I forget that it’s always at full speed with little breathing room to relax. I forget that I over-think and over-feel. I forget that when I want peace all I get is chaos.
Most of the time my thoughts are filled with doubt and words that lack encouragement. I shove them aside as best as I can and dismiss them whenever possible but most of the time they linger and grow, making it difficult to find my self worth. I hate it. I hate it because I’m always searching for admiration or praise from others when I should be able to do that for myself.
I found myself for a little while. And for that little while, I thought I would be okay. But that little while didn’t last long. I panic and I break every other day. I struggle to find happiness. And when I do feel an ounce of light break through the darkness, I question whether it’s real or not.
I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like I’ll ever amount to anything. And I question why I’m still fighting to prove myself wrong. It’s because I know I’m here for a reason. I know I’m here to make a difference. I know that fighting is better than giving up so that’s why I do it.
My mind is constantly on overdrive, threatening to break me completely. When I close my eyes and try to settle in silence, I hear chimes and whistling. I hear noise. Nothing but noise. So, I sit through it and hope it passes. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a hit and miss, really. It almost drives me mad.
So, sometimes I forget how my mind works. I forget that when I want peace all I get is chaos. And that’s okay. It’s okay because I’m fighting it. Every day, even when those pesky voices try and convince me otherwise, I know I’m strong enough to beat this. Fighting each battle is hard when you don’t know if you’ll win the war but with each battle you beat, you’re one step closer.
It isn’t easy trying to explain to others how my mind works or why I have a hard time staying present. They don’t understand and I don’t hold that against them because I barely understand it myself. I’m just the one living it.
If your mind works like mine does then try these few steps:
- Breath. Always breath. And let the air you release take the negativity away with it.
- Concentrate on the now. Don’t let the past or future distract you. Just focus on what’s at hand and do one thing at a time.
- Write. If concentrating is hard and breathing doesn’t work, then write down the distractions going on in your head. Whether they’re words or sounds that call your attention, write them in a journal. Read back on them later. This could help you find ways to defeat them later.
I can do it. You can do it. We can do it together.
Live, stay, and fight. You’ve got this. We’ve got this. Our minds are our own and it’s time we took them back.