I’m going to stay

I got a tattoo. A tattoo that says “Here I’ll Stay.”

I got it as a reminder. I was so tired of convincing myself that I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t have a reason to be here. I was running out of reasons to stay. In fact, there was a time I didn’t have any at all. Actually, there are still days I struggle to find some, or even just one.

How do I explain that to people? How do I explain that the reason I’m upset or acting out is because I have this internal struggle of whether or not I should stay? How do I explain that when I’m unusually quiet, it’s usually because the little voice inside my head is listing all of the reasons I shouldn’t fight, all of the reasons I shouldn’t stay? How do I admit to that?

I don’t. I let it happen. I deal with it. And I push it aside until I’m forced to acknowledge it, until the thoughts become too much.

One day when the little voice was listing off why I shouldn’t stay, I blocked it out and started a list of my own with reasons why I should.

This is why I got the tattoo. To serve as a permanent reminder. To remind me that when the little voice invades my heart, soul, mind, and whole being, that I have a list of my own. A list of reasons to stay.

I’m sharing a fraction of my story because if you have a little voice inside of your head trying to tell you to give up, hopefully making your own list will help shut it up.

I did it. You can do it. We can all do it.

Living, staying, and fighting has honestly never felt as good.

That’s why I’m going to stay.

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