I’m lonely. As many people as I interact with every day and as often as I’m surrounded by people, there’s a constant loneliness deep in my heart. As deep as it is, I still feel it. Every minute of every single day, I feel it. And it sucks. I don’t know how else to describe it. But I’m going to try.
I don’t feel connected to anyone. I don’t feel like anyone really knows me. Heck, I’m not even sure if I know myself. I live in my head 90% of the time and a lot of the time I spend there isn’t by choice. It’s just something that happens. When I feel inferior or afraid, I hide inside my head and observe. I observe everyone around me, from their conversations to their mannerisms, and I wish it were as easy for me to do what they’re doing. For me, most conversations feel forced and I never feel like I’m saying the right thing. I feel like an intruder when I voice my opinion or when I try to make myself fit in.
Maybe that’s why I feel lonely. I’m at a constant competition with others around me when I shouldn’t be. I should just live my life and talk to people without it being something more. But it is. For me, it’s always something more. There’s also the small issue with the nagging voice inside my head constantly pointing out my flaws every opportunity it gets.
How do I fix it? How do I become comfortable enough to talk to other people without feeling intrusive or awkward? How do I open up without beating myself up over it after for being so selfish? How do I get rid of the constant ache in my heart when I’m still working through my pain? How do I become normal?
I don’t have the answers but I’m hoping to find them soon because I’m so done with being a victim of myself. I’m stronger than I was before but I want to be strong enough to be okay. I need to be.
My new goals? To have a conversation without reading so much into it. To participate in group conversations without being afraid of whether I’m intruding or not. And to silence the doubt inside my head.
If you have these same issues or some similar, try making some goals of your own. Use them to help ground you. They might help, they might not. We never know until we try.